I have this friend...we weren't best friends in high school and I guess I wouldn't even say that we were best friends after high school. I haven't seen her in years, but we talk weekly, if not most days. She went through a horrific experience that actually left me scarred in some ways as well. Each and every day, I try and walk in her shoes (or sandals since that is what she truly prefers). I try to see things through her eyes and with her heart and I still find myself at a loss. I still find myself sad and confused. I don't want to get into all of the details of her experience because that essentially is not what this entry is about, but it led me to something. It actually led me to a lot of things. It has allowed me to have a deeper understanding of what I want for myself and for my family. It has given me more appreciation then I have ever had before. It has also given me a forever friend. I love her dearly.
Today, hasn't been my best day. Maybe that is why I am blogging, because it is my way to vent. It is my way to scream and cry and curse and yell and stomp my feet. Essentially, I am a stay-at-home mom. I work in the evenings (which is beginning to really take it's toll) and on the weekends. I work 7 days a week. You might be thinking, honey, you are a mom, you work 7 days a week regardless. Yes, that is true. Being a mom or a dad is the toughest job in the world. It is a job that requires 24/7 attention. It is full of worries, happiness, surprises, and every other emotion possible. BUT, I work 7 days a week outside of the home. I love being a teacher and I love making a difference in others lives, but sometimes, I feel as though my love for teaching has caused my family to pay a price. Our boys are often either with Curt or with me. Curt and I hand off every day. Curt comes to my work and picks the kids up and then I start my day at work. Last year, the kids would be in bed before I got home, but this year we're extending bed times so that I can be with the kids a little and help with bed times. It seems to help Cole out the most. It gives me a sense of being a mom when I can be there too. Curt and I knew what it meant when I started teaching in the evenings and on weekends. WE knew it would be tough, but we also had hoped our situation would change quicker than it has. Well...it hasn't. We're still fighting the fight and trying to make the world go round in our little, well big, family. Some days this frustrates the hell out of me. Some days this pisses me off. Some days it leaves me feeling a bit hopeless and sad.
The beginning of the school year always leaves me with so many different emotions. I still have that teacher "excitement" about getting a room ready and welcoming new kids. Getting lessons ready and making a difference. There are so many exciting things about being a teacher in a new year. It also leaves me feeling lost and a little empty knowing that I am NOT getting a room ready. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being home with my boys and I wouldn't change it for the world, but what many fail to realize is that we took a chance and gave up a lot to make it all work and fit just right in our little puzzle of life. So many times when I am asked what I do and I say, "Well, I stay at home with my 4 little boys, but I teach in the evenings" the first thing I hear is, "Wow, you are so lucky to be able to do that. That's nice that your husband lets you do that." Okay, okay, okay..."My husband 'lets' me?" Ummm, NO! We made the decision together, but we made it knowing the hardships and frustrations that would come with it. It isn't all sunshine and puppies and smiley faces. It is hard, REALLY hard. There are things we can't do because we don't have the money. There are moments when I want to scream and cry because the boys are climbing on each other and yelling and screaming and crying or chasing the cat or slamming doors or pounding the ground or yelling no at me and I wonder, "is this really worth it?" The answer is yes, every time, it is still YES! I wake up to 2 little boys every morning rubbing my head and the first word I hear is, "Mama." I wake 2 more little boys up by rubbing their backs and singing "Good morning" to them. They get such big smiles. During the day I read at least 1,000 books (okay, a bit of an exaggeration) and I step on more than 5 Legos. I go to the bathroom with Finn often. I remind Cole to wash his face for millionth time. I kiss Oliver's hair and hug him. These moments are what make me realize just how lucky I am.
This year has seemed so new and different. I am sure every year will feel this way, but this year, I was almost at peace with not being in a classroom. Yes, I had moments of jealousy and desire to be teaching, but I knew that where I am at is where I need to be. I can't stress about 5 years from now. I can only be thankful for the gifts that I have now. Tying all of these thoughts together will be hard, but here it is. My friend, my friend who has gone through a horrific experience, has silently taught me that every moment counts. That every decision makes a difference. That every chance I get to hug my kids and tell them that I love them should be taken. You see, I have hounded and begged and pleaded with Curt to let us have just one more baby. "One more baby?" he asks. I always respond with, "Yes, don't you see we are not complete." He reminds me that with my liver complications and the stress of the sickness and several pregnancies that my body as screamed at us to be done. He reminds me that he would love to have more and that he desperately misses seeing me pregnant and feeling the baby and rubbing my belly. Those are the fun parts of pregnancy, the rest is meh!! He reminds me that we are playing Russian Roulette and that we very easily could lose the next one. My heart sinks and I silently cry at night thinking that this part of my life is over. Slowly, I am coming to understand that it is okay to let this part go. That new beginnings and sad goodbyes will continue to happen in life. Today I say this proudly, but tomorrow I am sure I will blubber and sob about it again. I never thought trying to decide if we should be done having children could be so painful and emotional. Curt and I have had our losses and we have sadly lost 3, but we are blessed with 4 beautiful, energetic, and charismatic little boys. I can't be more thankful for what I have.
All of this being said, today was not a great day. Today, I was saddened as I watched Cole with some friends at the beginning of the day and it started this whole path towards feeling as though I am not doing enough or somehow missed something and I will never make it right and perfect for Cole. It lead me into my ongoing fear that I can't and won't be able to stop all hurt from happening and that some day Cole will have hurt feelings or will be upset or sad and I can't block him from that. My day just kind of continued on this negative path. I made baby food for Jude as I have done for all of my boys. While making the food Oliver and Finn played beautifully and Jude napped. What more could a mom ask for except maybe a glass of wine or a spa day, right??? I was so sad as I made this food. He can't be almost 7 months. He can't be trying to get his knees underneath him. Soon he won't need me. Soon he'll be in 1st grade. Are you catching my drift? What I am saying!!!! I internalized this and kept on making the food. Soon, Oliver got on the bus without even looking back (for the 2nd day in a row) and it was just Finn and Jude and I. Finn seems so grown up now. He "coooooks" and "drives" tractors all day long. He wants us to read books and he continues to just be a funny little man. After he laid down for a nap I started to go through my list of to-do's. I started by calling the mortgage lender to find out if they now officially have our paperwork. Of course, we're still missing something. OF COURSE!!! I cursed at them and hung up. Then, I started dealing with the painful process of needing a new drain field. I cursed the drain field and the expense it will cost us. I kept getting more and more upset. During this time, Jude decided that it was his turn, he needed a nap. I kept trying to finish things before I knew I would need to lay him down and he kept fussing and fussing more. Honestly, I was annoyed. I was annoyed by the whole thing and irritated that he was fussing so much. I very angrily stopped what I was doing and changed his diaper. I grabbed his woombie, his nuk, and his blanket and went to the rocking chair. At that moment, all I could feel was frustration and anger. I looked down at Jude and immediately softened. You see, Jude somehow knew that I needed him and he needed me. He protested just enough that he knew I would give in. He knew that at that moment I needed to be removed. I watched his little eyes fade off and I listened to his deep breathing. I smelled him and I kissed him and I sobbed. I sobbed because I am so blessed. I sobbed because I am so frustrated. I sobbed because I am so loved. I don't know what I did to deserve this love, but I have it and I can't soak it in enough.
Jude and I rocked for awhile and to be honest, Curt will be so irritated when he gets home because the kitchen is still a mess and I have to go to work so he will get stuck cleaning it. I got baby food made today. I called the bank. I wrote a blog entry. That is what I accomplished today. It doesn't seem like much, but man was it great. I spent most of my day being frustrated and angry, but Jude found his way through my heart and softened it up again. My cup is full and my heart is even fuller.
As always, I apologize for the typos and the fact that I don't have time to go back and reread and edit. I need to wake those amazing little boys up so that we can get their brothers from school and then I am off to work for the evening. I have many thoughts in my head about what else to write about. Who knows if I will even blog again. Today, though, I am lucky and I know it.
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