What a day......

This blogging stuff takes a lot of time and energy....I apparently don't have time or energy since I am not very good at writing my blog entries.  For whatever reason, today seemed so appropriately right to put another blog entry in the books.  Just today, Wednesday, November 28th, 2012 I have had many trials and many struggles.  Our morning started perfectly, turned to complete chaos, and then spiraled downwards quickly during Cole's, "Cooking with 3's" class.  All of the other 3-year-olds sit so nicely, listen to their moms or grandmas and take turns while waiting patiently for the next step.  Cole and I come into the classroom and all hell breaks loose.  Just in an hour, Cole had 2 timeouts, bit me in the arm so hard that I immediately bruised, and had the teacher speak to him twice.  He was WILD during the class and nothing I was saying or doing was working.  At one point about half-way through the class he just got up and left.  I followed him and put him in a timeout.  He NEVER sits for timeouts so it then became a muscle match on who could hold stronger.  I held my arm over his lap to keep him on his seat and in turn he bit me as hard as he could.  It took a few minutes of screaming and crying and people (mostly older) staring at me like I was an ape with an unruly kid, but he eventually stopped crying and civilly said, "I am ready now."  We walked back into the classroom and he was an ANGEL the rest of the class.  I can't describe what a blessing it was to finally have Cole acknowledge that he was ready and to return to some activity and move on with his day.  Often times, it seems like he says he's ready and then he really isn't and he just keeps falling a part.  This really felt like a moment of change and progress.  I was hoping that it would last.

Our morning continued on beautifully.  When we got home I had some time to clean up the living room and vacuum while the boys played quietly.  We had a nice lunch and then Oliver's Birth To 3 teacher came for his 6-month eval.  I couldn't have really asked for a more successful morning after two very chaotic days and a busy holiday weekend.  Just as everything felt like it was going well and I was going to have a fight-free "quiet time" with Cole it all seemed to go down the shitter, AGAIN!!!  I supposed I should explain what "quiet time" in this house means.  Every afternoon Oliver goes down for a nap because well, he needs one and I need him to need one.  During that time, Cole and I have some quiet time together to read books, play a game, or do a puzzle and then he goes into his room with some toys of his choice to play for an hour and a half or so.  Some days he curls up on his bed at some point and sleeps and other days he plays and eventually gets louder and louder.  Most days it is a fight to get from reading books to in his room.  He either just physically doesn't listen and runs around like a mad-man, takes FOREVER picking toys out and going to the bathroom, or he screams, cries, and throws a temper-tantrum and then bangs on the walls, closet, and door.  Often times, "quiet time" with Cole is miserable, but without it Oliver wouldn't sleep.  Either way it goes, I am losing the battle.  Today....we read books and he was so good that I gave him some time to quietly play downstairs.  He somehow hurt his finger and came over fake crying.  I reassured him that his finger was fine and to enjoy his playtime, but apparently that is where it all went wrong, AGAIN!!!!  He melted and began throwing a fit.  I tried my best to talk him through the fit, but he wasn't having it.  I then asked him to play for a little while and not waste his time.  He still wasn't having it.  Then I said if he didn't go play that he would go upstairs.  He didn't listen to that either.  So....I carried him to his room and the door banging began.  I sat down in the living room and just wondered, where do I keep going wrong????  Cole is a constant jigsaw puzzle that appears to be unsolvable.  When you think you have something it just changes and then you are lost in the dark again.

It didn't take very long for Cole to settle down in his room after I lost it on him and was yelling and he was crying and I was just reaching my boiling point.  I finally walked away and said I had had enough and that he needed to stop.  Somehow, he knew that that was the moment that he needed to stop pushing.  Within 20 minutes of being in his room, it became evident that he was sleeping.  He really could use a nap everyday, but he's getting to that age where he isn't wanting them anymore and he can survive without them.  I quietly walked into my room and found that one of my favorite shirts had been chewed up by Miss Parker and I, again, about lost it.  I looked at her while she sat on my spot on the bed and I said, "Really, really???  You ate my damn shirt."  She wagged her tail like nothing else could be greater.  I moved her out of my spot which she immediately was crabby about and proceeded to pout for the next half-hour while I ignored her and continued to reflect on what a shitty afternoon it had been and how disappointed I was in my behavior and reaction towards Cole.  I am the adult here.  I am the one that is supposed to stay level headed and calm.  I am the one that is supposed to be able to reason with him and calm him down.  I didn't do any of that.  I got more and more mad until I just lost it on him.  I couldn't think of anything else to do and all of a sudden it dawned on me that I had a blog that I hadn't written in for such a long time.  I browsed through some of my old posts and started to giggle some.  How cheesy did it all sound....life is not perfect, it isn't anywhere near being perfect, but it is beautiful even during the rough patches.  I still don't feel better after pouring out my heart about my crummy morning and my constant, never-ending battles with Cole, but I realized something too.  I realized that when he wakes up, I need to be the adult and apologize for my behaviors and that I need to own up to my own frustrations.  I need to ask Cole to forgive me for being the crabass, non-listening person and I need to talk to him about his choices and how they affect others.  I hope that doing this will somehow allow me to forgive myself for not being the mom that I know I should have been.

Enough of my sob story....this is what being a mom is about.  You just have to suck it up more some days than others.  Here's to a better night (fingers crossed, we have swimming lessons tonight) and a better understanding and less fights between Cole and I!!!!

I have no clue who reads this and who just thinks, "What a crazy lady!!!!," however, I hope that you all are enjoying your week.

Constantly pondering and always wondering....

Mama Bear